He asks me whats wrong but I can't tell him, I don't want to bring that time up again it was and still is a very painful subject for me, but that's whats wrong. What he did still haunts me, it never leaves me alone and it has scared me very deeply sure other girls go through break ups probably a lot worse than I did but I really did believe him when he told me that he would never leave. maybe that was just my wishfulness that wanted to believe that. And even though we're back together again I don't know if I'll believe those those words again and if I do it will take probably years and a lot of convincing for me to. It doesn't matter I'm probably just being stupid anyway.

From early childhood we are told that we are all unique in our own way,but it's always confused me that when I didn't want to be like the other girls who were in their little groups talking about either boys, their nails, or other people who weren't as popular as they were, I was labeled as someone who needed counseling because I wanted to be by myself and not talk as much as everyone else. Looking back it makes me mad to think that because I wanted to be by myself I needed counseling to figure out what was wrong with me when there was never anything wrong in the first place. This is such a topsy, turvy world that we live in it almost disgust me to think that there is a set of standard that we have to meet in order to be a so called normal person in society. Well society can suck it I enjoy the so called non normal people, they make life in this world more interesting watching the norms is so boring and at times can be so annoying. And they wonder why I never want to be like everyone else

I've been through break ups before but none of them hurt as much as this most recent one. I truly believed that we wouldn't break up that we would always be boyfriend & girlfriend. I was obviously wrong......I told myself a few days before it happened that if he were to break up with me I wouldn't have another relationship and I meant it. I did think he was the best out of all the men in the world and if he doesn't want to be with me then what else is there? all the liars and cheaters No I would rather die than go into a relationship knowing I wouldn't get the respect and love I deserved...I would rather be alone...Of course being alone isn't as bad as I feel right now. It's like my soul is leaving me and my heart is slowly breaking.
I guess what hurts the most is he doesn't do things he use to he doesn't even tell me he's leaving....Last night on the phone he sounded annoyed with me like I should shut up and stop crying. He acts so hurt when I supposedly don't believe him but when he doesn't believe me it's no big deal and thats not fair. Nothing he has done has hurt me as much as this he's hurt me beyond words the last person I would ever expect to hurt me like this......One minuet were fine and happy and the next he's like that I don't deserve this ..for him to day after day to keep getting my hopes up and playing with my feelings..... it's cruel....

I have often heard the phrase "Life isn't always fair" whoever popularized that forgot to mention that despite being unfair it can also be cruel, especially to those who deserve better. My Nathaniel never hurt anyone and yet he's force to suffer because of other people's immaturity. It makes me want to cry to think of what he is going through right I wish he where here right now if I could I would take him into my arms and hold him close and make the world disappear.
Being that we are thousands of miles away from each other I am at a loss of what to do he tells me that just being with him is just enough but it isn't not to me it isn't I feel if I'm not with him anything could happen but if I'm there I could protect him from anyone who would try to get to him.
Life really isn't fair and the more I come to realize this the more it's hurt than ever before. If I could have things my way he would never know of pain again..........

So after almost a week after it came out I'm finally going to see Twilight Today (finally!) I only wish Nathan was there to see it with me. My dear Sweet Nate he reminds me so much of Edward.....Except with out all the vampire drinking of the blood and sparkling in the sunlight.

I just got back a few hours ago and I have to say I loved it. The one scene that really stands out in my mind is at the end when Bella and Edward were dancing together. It was such a sweet, romantic scene. It made me want to cry, because it reminded me of me and Nate and how that would be something we would do....I miss him so much.....

I feel so hopeless, I don't know what to do anymore. There's so many classes I have to make up in for me to graduate this year but its almost impossible How am I going to go to school for 8 periods then go to Saturday school and maybe even PM school and still somehow work? I haven't related my troubles to anyone else except Nathan but he is so sweet and loving to me I don't want to burden him with the problems I created myself. I'm just so afraid of him being disseminated in me if things should turn out the way I've thought they would for the past six months, Which is me staying an extra six months.....

I'm always one to go almost anywhere but if you want to go somewhere but don't ask me you just plan where we are going and what time and then expect me to go along with it then we're going to have a problem.

Ok so the whole point is because some so called friends want to go out with me and Heather today they only told Heather about it and then told Heather to tell me.

Ok is it so much to call me and tell me? really what if I have a problem with the plans made I mean come on Ashley I know you feel that it's not your responsibility to make other people happy but the universe doesn't revolve around you, you know, when I spoke to you on the phone yesterday I really don't appreciate the attitude you were giving me even though I was speaking I thought very nicely to you.

And as for you Michael regardless as to how I may feel you really have to consider other people's feelings too Out of all the times I've hanged out with you I've always been a hundred percent honest to you and yet you continue to lie to my face about a lot of things.And if theres one thing I can't stand it's being lied and then when I catch you in the lie you'll just think I'll be ok.

*sigh* Ok I think I'm finished ranting if I sound crazy I'm not on I'm my period you girls understand.

It's always me, Ellen can do anything she wants rack up bills, get into car accidents because she doesn't pay attention like the idiot she is and of course my mom pays for it all. But now because I'm having one bad year of school she's yelling at me that if I'm not going to go school then I have to get a job or get out but it doesn't matter even when I went to all my classes she still asked me "oh where are you going to work you don't exactly get along with people" She doesn't even know one thing about me and she thinks she knows everything all she does is assume and pass judgment on people because it makes her feel good about herself. I sometimes think shes likes putting people down and making them feel worthless even me I feel really worthless right now. I don't know whats wrong with me......no I do I tired of the public school system, I'm tired of the kids, the students everything.
I would do so much better if she just put me in Home school but no she says I shouldn't put my mind on that. Then she threatens me with "Oh if you don't pass your classes we're not going on vacation this year" Well you know what I don't care for the pass six years we haven't really gone anywhere because Ellen Likes to take money everyday but instead of putting a stop to it all she has to say is "well at least shes working" Is there any logic in that? shes working and yet your giving her extra? I sometimes want to just slap her in the face especially when she then complains how she's barley making the bills because Ellen is always taking money....... I swear I live in a family of morons.

Sometimes I think my life would be so much easier without any friends I mean really you try to tell them something that someone else said that they wanted to know and whose fault is it? Mine. I seriously can't stand people.

Last night Heather and I were so mean to Eric even though he deserves it.He tries to be way to controlling especially with her. So last night she told him to come down to tysens park we sat by the basketball courts while he came in through the front gate which was all the way down from where we were. I call him up and tell him to come down by the basket ball courts. The second we see him coming we took off towards my house which was only a block away. So he calls us up a few times but we don't really answer. So then my dad came to my room and told us that he had come to the door but he told him we weren't there. It may not seem that crazy written out like this but you would have had to have been there.

I suddenly have a strong addiction to writing, yeah I know I always say I like to write but now ever since I posted the first chapter of one of my first stories up on Fanfiction.net all I've been thinking all morning is I gotta write something, I gotta write something, I know suddenly have ideas for all different kinds of stories, and I love it.

I just want to kill myself then have someone bring me back to life so I can kill myself again thats how exhausted I am. So basically Donna and Rebbecca got drunk and now the school knows that someone brought alcohol to the party, but apparently they don't know it was Heather so far. About now I'm so happy I didn't go inside cause then I would most likely be in trouble too which is where I usually am in these kind of situations but for once I'm not.

About a half hour ago Heather went back to the school I'm not really sure what for since she was crying when she left, but she should be here any minuet ahhh theres the phone now.......oh hell no she wants to sleep over nope not happening I hate people sleeping over my house I like "me time" and this is the last week for a month and I want it for as long as possible.

Okay so After twenty minuets I got them all to leave and now I just want my head on a pillow.

Okay so Heather Im'd me a few hours ago asking me to come with her, Amanda, Krystle, and Toni Anne to the valentines day dance at school she said she wanted to go so she could sneak vodka into the building I didn't really wanna go because I don't like parties for one thing and I also did want to get caught with alcohol so I just went back home. So now she just called me telling me that they got kicked out of the party, everyone is drunk, and that they need to come here for an hour to sober up a little. I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone see this is why I didn't go into the building I swear I'm gonna strangle her when she gets here.

So I wake up at eight today to find I have to missed calls. I already knew it has Heather so I just called her back. She said she wanted to go in for twenty minuets just to finish a math test in Resource and she wanted me to come with her, now I'm already thinking to myself why did I call this girl because I had no intentions of going to school today and I'm not going go in just for twenty minuets that someone else needs. I know that sounds a little selfish but she had started that test yesterday and maybe if she hadn't wasted her time talking to Krystle and singing that stupid "ta la la" song she probably would have finished.
So I just ignored her phone calls at 8:30 when she said she was gonna call, then she imed asking if we were going so to make a long story short it ended with her saying so I guess I'll see you next week then. I know thats her way of saying or as I like to put it "I'm mad at you right now and I'm not gonna talk to you until I get bored and none else wants to hang out with me." So I give it three days the most and she'll come back asking me to hang with her.
After all I know Krystle likes to hide to and beside me and Krystle Heather dosen't really hang out with anyone else, so it won't be too long.

First off happy Valentines day to every one, even though I like some of you out there I don't like this holiday. I don't see the need for a holiday that represents showering your significant other with balloons, flowers, and chocolate on this one day of the year. And I know most people only will give the things mentioned on this one day when they should be given everyday to show how much you love the person your with. I'm not saying you should go out and buy something everyday but just do those little things like sitting together and simply talking about how their day went.There are so many relationships that don't last because people just don't want to discuss things with each other and at the first sign of trouble they are running for the hills instead of working it out.
It's depressing really when you think about how people seem to express love now and how they did say 50 years ago.

And to those of you wondering yes I am single but, I'm not bitter about it. Most of the guys where I live are a bunch of stuck up cheating liars and unless your stupid or desperate I know you wouldn't want that either I much rather stick with my fictional men at least they know how to treat a woman.

So I hope you all had a good valentines day, and to those of you who have become engaged today and I know there are a few congratulations. =)

Life has been totally stressful for me since my last entry. I've been really stressed these past few months and because of it my grades have suffered tremendously, I was only able to pass two class this term (really pathetic for me) and I haven't really been going to any classes because I have no energy to put up the the teachers who just throw work at you without even teaching.
I sometimes wish I never had a resource class the teachers are so annoying in there they walk around the room like they own the place and anyone else can be listening to their iPOD but the minuet I put mine on they're up my ass to put it away.

Another thing is the kids who go to this place half of them I think are functionality retarded I don't know how half of them made it out of kindergarten.

Well anyway I think I'm done with my rant about school. I mostly got Friday on my mind because Heather wants to skip school and go to the mall. Now I'm all for skipping school but sometimes I don't feel like hanging out I got this thing call "me time" its the time when I go home after school or on days off when I just like to stay in my room on my computer surfing the web or reading. I cherish my me time because I don't get a lot of it and whenever Heather wants to hang especially on a Friday she'll stay till almost 11:00 at night. Then theres also the fact that theres really nothing in the mall of any interest the only good stores there are Hot Topic and Spencer's, and even they are starting to not have good stuff in them like they use to.

Well good news is I finally fish my first fanfic which I'm really happy about even though its not the greatest I can now say I've written something.

Ha see what did I tell you, Ok so Heather just wrote me an email talking about how she was sorry and that she was a dick be cause Dianna and Justin didn't want her hanging out with me so. I'm like what are they your parents? so yeah I'm friends with people who are dumbasses they would rather listen to people who fuck like bunnies then steal insurance cards so they can pay for they're abortions. What can you do I always ask myself nothing much obviously.

Ok so Heather is being really retarted she started a fight with Dara yesterday, threatened Heather and now heather's calling me and is like "I don't think we should see each other anymore" Wtf are you my lezbian lover? (I'm not a lez but I'm not a homophobe either)cause your making it sound like your breaking up with me why don't you just say I'm not your friend any more it would sound less creepy. So basically shes blaming me for something she started and is all now "I don't want to get hurt". But you'll just go and hand out with Dianna who is a skank, who got pregnant twice,cheats on her boyfriend every two seconds,supposedly killed a bunch of people and buried them in her backyard, and will guilt trip you into giving blow jobs to guys you've never met before but I guess thats ok with you since you were doing that with three different guys already a few months back.


So yeah this is my rant out to my supposed ex best friend who I give four days before she comes calling me crying about how much she misses me so until then later.

Things seem bad all the time I don't know how things came to be this bad suposedly krystle is threathing to kill Heather I'm not sure how to deal with this there both my friends even though they've been assholes to me in the past few days.

It's my birthday today they say that turning 16 is one of the best times in a young girls life but I know thats all a load of shit for me it's just another day spent by myself sure I got presents An iPOD video, a Black Parade coat and red roses and balloons but whatever I never really saw whats so sweet about getting older.